Advantage of self-compassion rather than self-criticism
Anyone else out there a perfectionist?
I’m a recovering perfectionist, and one of the habits I found most difficult to change was to be compassionate to myself rather than critical, especially when things are imperfect which, let’s face it, is pretty much all of the time!
How do you talk to yourself? Does your inner voice point out your flaws and what you haven’t done? Maybe it’s critical of even the slightest issue.
Lots of us have this critical self-talk. Some people feel that this self-criticism is necessary to push us to do better.
I disagree. I feel like we grow and improve despite self-criticism rather than because of it. And at a certain point for me, my self-criticism was only holding me back from growth and resilience, as well as making me very unhappy.
If this sounds familiar, consider this week’s article an invitation to try out self-compassion instead.
Why self-criticism often takes charge
It’s quite common for self-criticism to become our default internal voice. We might believe that being hard on ourselves is the key to motivation and high standards. Perhaps we learned early on that tough self-talk was the way to achieve, or maybe it’s a habit picked up in environments that prize relentless perfection. Over time, this critical voice can become so automatic we barely notice it’s there, constantl criticising us in the background.
In high-pressure industries like law, banking, or real estate, this internal critic can cause significant issues. The constant demand for results, tight deadlines, and high stakes only fuels and reinforces that voice. Self-criticism often exponentially increases stress, making burnout more likely.
When you constantly tell yourself you are not good enough, you might fear failure so much that you avoid taking necessary risks or become stuck, unable to make decisions.
A critical inner dialogue can also cloud your judgement and stifle creative thinking, two areas which are vital in demanding fields. For leaders, this internal pattern can also spill over to external impact, affecting how they interact with their teams and potentially creating a tense, blame-focused atmosphere.
In real estate, where deals can be unpredictable, a harsh inner critic can turn any setback into a disproportionate personal failing, which steadily chips away at your confidence over time.
The advantages of self-compassion for conscious leaders
Self-compassion is a healthier and more constructive approach. Just to reassure you, self-compassion does not mean letting yourself off the hook or lowering your standards.
Instead, self-compassion involves three main ideas.
Firstly, it means offering yourself kindness and understanding when you face difficulties, just as you might offer to a friend.
Secondly, it involves recognising that everyone makes mistakes and experiences challenges; it’s part of being human, not a personal failing.
And thirdly, it means looking at your thoughts and feelings with a balanced awareness, acknowledging them without letting them completely take over.
For conscious leaders, developing self-compassion brings many benefits:
It helps you build resilience, so you recover from setbacks more quickly because you are not wasting energy on harsh self-blame.
Leaders who practice self-compassion also tend to show more empathy towards others, which helps build stronger, more supportive team environments.
It allows for sustainable performance, helping you avoid the exhausting cycle of pushing too hard, burning out, and then criticising yourself for it.
Making the shift: From criticism to compassion
Changing your internal script from self-criticism to self-compassion is a process which takes practise. Like any new habit, it takes time and repetition to become automatic.
You can start making the shift with some straightforward steps:
Awareness is the starting point. First, simply start noticing your self-talk. Pay attention to when that critical voice appears and what it typically says.
Next, try to challenge and reframe those critical thoughts. Ask yourself, "Would I speak to a colleague or a friend this way?" Think about what a kinder, more constructive perspective might sound like. For example, instead of "I’m a failure for missing that deadline," you might try, "Okay, the deadline was missed. What can I learn from this, and what steps can I take next time?"
Practice mindful moments. When you feel overwhelmed by a mistake or a difficult situation, take a moment to acknowledge it. You could say to yourself, "This is a really tough moment," or "I’m feeling a lot of pressure right now." This simple acknowledgement can stop you from getting completely swept away by the emotion.
It’s easy to feel isolated when you make a mistake. Try reminding yourself that everyone struggles, and imperfection is a universal human experience.
Try to be kind to yourself. This could be as simple as taking a short break, or doing something you enjoy.
Reframe how you see mistakes. Focus on learning from mistakes rather than dwelling on what went wrong. See errors as information that can help you improve, rather than as proof of your inadequacy.
Self-compassion fuels success
Conscious leadership involves leading yourself with the awareness and kindness which are exemplified by self-compassion.
Developing a more understanding and supportive inner voice can guide you towards greater strength and resilience far more successfully than criticising yourself.
What’s one small step you can take to treat yourself with a little more self-compassion?
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Dr Sarah Whyte is a keynote speaker, workshop facilitator, counsellor and coach.
Looking for a speaker to equip your leaders with proven strategies to perform at their peak without sacrificing their wellbeing? Let's connect.
Discover how the Conscious Leadership Advantage can improve your next event and assist your team to achieve sustainable success: sarah@drsarahwhyte.com
